Republicans unveil “pledge to America” – The poor stay poor, but feel good about oppressing women and gays

Today, Thursday, Sept 23, the GOP released a “pledge to America.” I promise, I’m going to read it, but I really, really want to make some assumptions first. I’ll even make a game out of it; If less than 80% of my assumptions are true my next blog will contain no fewer than 10 nice statements about Li’l Bush. Let’s get started. In no particular order:

1. GOP pledges to keep gays out of military

2. GOP pledges to not spend any federal money on abortions (I prefer the term “mindful miscarriage”).

3. GOP apologizes for Bush years and asks for another chance.

4. GOP vows to prevent any crazy socialist ideas like basic healthcare.

5. GOP apologizes a second time for Bush years and begs for another chance.

6. GOP reassures Americans that trickle-down economics work, but can only work if you let them keep all the money. i.e. big tax cuts

Now, let’s review… So before even reading the entire pledge, CNN’s cliff notes affirmed several of my predictions in the highlights:

Number 3, apologize – Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, opened the event with an admission: “Listen, when Republicans were in charge of Congress, we made our fair share of mistakes.”

Number 4, no socialism – Repeal the Obama health care bill, replacing it with Republican proposals, including limits on malpractice lawsuits.

Number 6, trickle-down economics – Permanently extend all the Bush tax cuts, including those on the wealthy.

Alright, so  I haven’t even read the thing yet and I’m at a 50% success rate. Two more affirmations and I don’t have to say nice things about Bush. I hope this plan comes through, because I really don’t think I have it in me. Moving on…

Number 2, we don’t kill babies – Permanently Prohibit Taxpayer Funding on Abortion (p. 15)

Number 5, apologize again – Okay, I can’t copy and paste the lengthy apologies, so just see pages 1, 17, 18, and 21.

And, my friends, I’ve done it! 5 out of 6! The GOP is so damn easy. I’m disappointed there was no gay bashing in this document… Maybe they really have changed.

But the point is, they had the last 8 of 10 years to turn around the “failed policies of the Clinton administration.” If failure is leaving office with a surplus and success is having China cut us a blank check, then sure, let’s bring ’em back. Otherwise, they’ve had their turn, maybe we’ll see ’em again in 6 years.

I wish I had more poignant comedy for you, but I’ve been working on sobriety. Good for the body, terrible for the mind. Next week I promise to write you after a 3 day bender. And remember folks, keep the faith…

…to yourselves.

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