Photos from the bay

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This blog is done, we’re moving on to better things

Find far more hilarious rants at www.thisismejudgingyou.blogspot.com

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If it wasn’t masculine it wouldn’t be called a MANicure

It’s not common place for me to talk about myself when I write these pieces, but I couldn’t pass this up. See, I ascended to a new level today. I was persuaded to get a pedicure with my manicure. And by persuaded, I mean I was in the waiting area and thought “a pedicure seems nice. Let’s try it.”

Manicures are somewhat new to me. It was only three months ago when I was cutting my nails that I said to myself, “This is so tedious. It would be great if I could pay someone to do thi – – Holy hell, I can!” It’s awkward as a man in modern society to walk into a nail salon and say “I need a manicure.” It’s awkward to say in any sense, “I need a manicure.” This is not a statement accepted from a male in America. And why? Because to be male is to not be female.

Well, in the words of Cyndi Lauper, “Girls just wanna have fun.” I like fun. I’m not opposed to fun. So why do I have to not enjoy all the fun girls are having? Ladies, how relaxing is a manicure? It’s amazing! Mix in the pedicure and you’ll have me kicking like a puppy getting his belly rubbed. Why am I forced to choke down every element of appreciation for beauty and love and compassion and relaxation and, of course, self-maintenance? I embrace my testosterone. I enjoy war movies, watching animals kill each other,  reckless driving, crap like that. But I can’t balance with a little self love? If a beautiful, feminine woman finds time to enjoy football and wild sex, she’s the perfect girlfriend. But if a man finds time to enjoy a bit of pampering and the occasional romantic film, he too is the perfect girlfriend.

Look, I’m not suggesting that men start buying shoes at an exponential rate or start going to the bathroom in groups of three. I just think that a social mindset of hygiene being feminine is a bit over the top. Don’t get me wrong, I greatly appreciate the lengths women go to in the name of self-care. It burdens me just to shave my face. And tweezing and waxing is borderline masochism. The ladies have my respect. So, in return, let me have Pho and Tsing rub my ankles and wrists while a midget locked inside a leather chair punches my back in a soothing manner. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

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The end of the world, from the perspective of Steven Thomas

I had the opportunity to interview the author of thisistheendoftheworld.com, Steven Thomas. Enjoy the read.

Where are you from? What do you do?

Hi, I’m Steve Thomas. I’m from a small town in northern Ontario called
Wawa. I studied film in Toronto and worked there post-graduation for a
couple of years making commercials and working in television. In
January of this year, I relocated to Taiwan with my fiancée. She
teaches English, I write ads for Taiwanese and Chinese manufacturers.
I can honestly say it is the most bizarre job I’ve ever held. If
you’ve ever read my articles called “Awful inventions,” those are
selections of some of the bizarre ads I have to write. I also help
inventors in North America get their ideas made for cheap over here
(cheap, but not exploitive cheap).

What sparked your interest in world-changing events? What motivated
you to share these ideas with the world?

My interest in the end of the world started with film, but developed
with books. John Wyndham’s the Day of the Triffids was the first book
to start the fire. I loved how classic sci-fi could make the world end
without making things too negative. It was more like, “ok, we screwed
up, or an alien came and screwed things up, or whatever, and now we
just have to deal with it and learn to move on.” I don’t think the end
of the world is depressing if you look at it from a distance.

I started the site because I had always been looking for a way to talk
about the end of the world, but I have so much junk information
crammed in my head that it never worked in film, music, or anything
like that. A blog is the perfect junk dumping ground.

If these stories of which you write are truly of significant interest,
why do you use so much humor to express them? Don’t you think doing so
might challenge the integrity and seriousness of the subject matter?

A lot of people get so worked up about how we’re destroying the world,
and I understand this completely. We are. I would argue that it is
already too late. But we could all be doomed any day for any reason.
It’s always the black swan that gets us, so why bother running around
worrying? Just be a decent human being, and if you have the willpower,
fight for change. You don’t have to devote your entire life to making
a change, just be considerate, and try to think about the future every
once in a while. Everything goes extinct very quickly – in relative
terms – so why worry about the inevitable?

Do you really have 20 survival kits in your home?

No, sadly I do not. Living in Taiwan I probably should have one as I
experience several earthquakes a week, but I live on the 18th floor,
so if there’s a big enough earthquake, I’m toast anyway. I have taken
many steps to prepare for the end of the world however. I am starting
to reinforce basic survival skills such as growing my own food,
keeping warm in cool weather, purifying water and so on. I also keep
myself as fit as possible so that I can outrun zombies with ease. That
is important I think. I’m going to learn how to spear fish in the next
while.

Do you wear aluminum foil hats, have your home rigged to burn in case
of an intruder, only use disposable cell phones, mask your IP address,
or take any other precautions to avoid becoming a resident of
Guantanamo?

I rarely lock the door to my house actually. Someone stole my shoes a
while ago but that’s about it. I used to be much more paranoid but now
I just go with the flow. The only time I mask my IP address is when
I’m trying to watch HULU from Taiwan. Sometimes when I’m writing
pro-Muslim, anti-America articles it flashes through my mind that this
might be problematic, but again, there’s no point worrying until it
happens.

You speak a lot to the tune of American and world governments,
especially in the way of police forces, suspicious activities, etc.
What is your greatest fear of the government?

I don’t think there is much more that the government could do to make
me afraid. I guess the biggest thing I’m worried about now is the next
big war. I don’t want to make guesses about who will be involved, as I
truly hate war, but I think it will be bad. Also, I’m waiting for the
American economy to collapse. This has to happen at some point, and it
will be devastating when it happens. Heck, I even think the American
government orchestrated 9/11. I’m guess I’m terrified of the
government. Then again, my parents have worked for the Canadian
government for all their lives, but fish and wildlife is one of those
less harmful parts that terrifies me less… slightly less.

What other media do you use to spread your message?

I made some end of the world short films in school. One about nuclear
war, one about the sky suddenly opening up and one about audio cables
taking over a neighborhood. Otherwise I just don’t shut up about it
for the most part. My friends generally despise when I say things
like, “So I learned this thing today…” I guess they don’t think it’s
appropriate dinner conversation. I don’t get it.

Does the microchip implanted in your arm tingle when you stand too
close to a microwave?

No, it is just meant to tell me when my pizza pops are done. And I
mean DONE, like the middle bit isn’t frozen anymore. Someone should
make a microwave just for making pizza pops perfectly. It’s always
microwave-burnt on the outside by the time it’s cooked inside. They
also have directions for cooking it in the oven, but it takes like 25
minutes. If I wanted pizza in 25 minutes do they not realize that you
could just order a real pizza? That’s why I got the microchip. I get
too irritated without it.

They don’t have pizza pops in Taiwan. Please post me some.

If you found Jimmy Hoffa, would you tell us?

Oh, he’s dead. Sometimes I wonder how things become a mystery, when it’s like:

One dark, stormy and murderous night, Jimmy Hoffa went to meet some
mobsters – but they were his friends – and then he was never seen
again! The mobsters said they didn’t see him, and they even had
alibis, and they couldn’t find his body!

Isn’t that just what happens to every single person that gets killed
by the mob?

If you were to be in Washington D.C. on October 30, would you be part
of Jon Stewart’s rally to restore sanity or part of Stephen Colbert’s
rally to keep the fear alive?

Fear alive. Without a doubt. Visits to my site dropped considerably
after BP capped the oil spill, and those numbers make me feel like a
man! Really though, those two guys got me very interested in satire. I
especially love how relentless Colbert’s persona is. He never drops
the satire. Even as a long time watcher you sometimes get lost in his
character. On his latest book tour I think William Gibson put it
really well:

If something really is satire, I don’t enjoy it. It can’t be satire
and be that good. What I like is something that’s closer to a useful,
anthropological description that has a really, really sharp satirical
edge. Satire, traditionally in our culture, pushes the exaggeration
past where the edge really hurts, and you sort of just goof on it. But
other cultures, like the British, totally get it. Where you want to be
with satire is right on the razor’s edge, where it really hurts and
you can’t tell whether you’re being put on or not. (via Technoccult)

Do you believe God is in the T.V.?

No, but one time I called this guy from Craigslist who said he’d give
me free cable for $100 bucks and he looked exactly like Jesus. Also,
he just popped open a box on the side of my house and connected a
cable. $100 bucks? Come on.

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Ahmadine – just kill yourself already

Ahmadinejad, the world’s favorite leader, made it very clear to Larry King last week that he really has no power, just likes to talk, and wishes people liked him more. Well, come on, Ahma-douche bag, you’re not an easy guy to like. Let’s re-cap your tenure: Israel should be wiped from the face of the Earth, we deserve nukes, George Bush is the devil (closest to a rational statement I’ve seen from him), and, oh yea, the holocaust never happened.

It’s not surprising we give him the undeserved attention though. Some greaser known only as “The Situation” is now the highest paid reality TV sta– *ahmm* personality because he coined the term “DTF.”

What is our interest in giving so much attention to so many worthless people?

Osama Bin Laden: He records videos in a cave and FedEx’s them to the FBI. Yea, yea, we get it guy, death to America, Allah willing, praise be to Mohammed. Look, from what I’ve read of the Qur’an, Mohammed was a kind of messed up dude. But then again, anybody who thinks they talk to an imaginary friend in the sky has some issues.

Paris Hilton: How many times can you hear “sex tape” and “possession of cocaine” before you google the bitch’s address, break in midday (the only time you can be sure she’s home and asleep), and strangle her with her own Prada?

Every 1st round draft pick, ever: Look, if you want your players to actually play, stop giving 22 year old guys 50 million bones before they even step out on the field. Maybe they should have to do like every other reasonable human and actually work for their money. But you give a kid who can’t even legally rent a car millions of dollars, you might expect a lot of apologies after being seen at the club.

So I close with this; If you want Ahmadinefragilistic to go away, stop putting him on TV. It’s fairly simple. Make him not matter. Or, next time he visits our lovely nation, give him a cyanide smoothie. I’m not saying I condone murder, but foreigners aren’t real people.

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Republicans unveil “pledge to America” – The poor stay poor, but feel good about oppressing women and gays

Today, Thursday, Sept 23, the GOP released a “pledge to America.” I promise, I’m going to read it, but I really, really want to make some assumptions first. I’ll even make a game out of it; If less than 80% of my assumptions are true my next blog will contain no fewer than 10 nice statements about Li’l Bush. Let’s get started. In no particular order:

1. GOP pledges to keep gays out of military

2. GOP pledges to not spend any federal money on abortions (I prefer the term “mindful miscarriage”).

3. GOP apologizes for Bush years and asks for another chance.

4. GOP vows to prevent any crazy socialist ideas like basic healthcare.

5. GOP apologizes a second time for Bush years and begs for another chance.

6. GOP reassures Americans that trickle-down economics work, but can only work if you let them keep all the money. i.e. big tax cuts

Now, let’s review… So before even reading the entire pledge, CNN’s cliff notes affirmed several of my predictions in the highlights:

Number 3, apologize – Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, opened the event with an admission: “Listen, when Republicans were in charge of Congress, we made our fair share of mistakes.”

Number 4, no socialism – Repeal the Obama health care bill, replacing it with Republican proposals, including limits on malpractice lawsuits.

Number 6, trickle-down economics – Permanently extend all the Bush tax cuts, including those on the wealthy.

Alright, so  I haven’t even read the thing yet and I’m at a 50% success rate. Two more affirmations and I don’t have to say nice things about Bush. I hope this plan comes through, because I really don’t think I have it in me. Moving on…

Number 2, we don’t kill babies – Permanently Prohibit Taxpayer Funding on Abortion (p. 15)

Number 5, apologize again – Okay, I can’t copy and paste the lengthy apologies, so just see pages 1, 17, 18, and 21.

And, my friends, I’ve done it! 5 out of 6! The GOP is so damn easy. I’m disappointed there was no gay bashing in this document… Maybe they really have changed.

But the point is, they had the last 8 of 10 years to turn around the “failed policies of the Clinton administration.” If failure is leaving office with a surplus and success is having China cut us a blank check, then sure, let’s bring ’em back. Otherwise, they’ve had their turn, maybe we’ll see ’em again in 6 years.

I wish I had more poignant comedy for you, but I’ve been working on sobriety. Good for the body, terrible for the mind. Next week I promise to write you after a 3 day bender. And remember folks, keep the faith…

…to yourselves.

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Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses… so long as they like our figureheads

Apparently freedom of speech, like the bulk of our temporary privileges more often called freedoms, only extend to those with a social security number.

According to foxnews.com, a news source begging for blind trust, a British teenager has been banned from the United States for life after drunk texting (alright, drunk e-mailing) the Prez and calling him a “prick.”

Come on! Obama is America’s first non-white president, came from humble beginnings, and wore what could be called the world’s largest ‘fro in high school. He CANNOT be that sensitive. Sure, the story says it was the FBI that reacted and called for the ban, but I’m fairly certain the FBI answers to… *ahem* THE FRICKIN’ PRESIDENT!

Though this story is mildly amusing, the truly eyebrow-raising note in the story is there are, in fact, around 60 reasons a person can be banned from the U.S. Let’s explore…

….And as I suspected, Google will not offer explanation as to why individuals are banned from the U.S. However, a man by the name of Tariq Ramadan explains that he has been consistently banned since 2004.

Apparently after several lawsuits on his behalf by organizations such as the ACLU, the State Department acknowledged he was banned for making financial contributions to an aid organization between ’98 – ’02, yet that lovely group was not blacklisted by the U.S. ’til ’03.

So apparently the U.S. bans you for not being able to predict the future.

I suspect if I ever found that list of 60 things for which the U.S. will determine it doesn’t like you, it would be topped by “trying to steal me lucky charms,” “owning a unicycle,” and “imagining ideas that don’t exist.”

Seeing as I’m already here I have the right to say these things, but in the time I’ve done so the government has searched all my e-mails, replaced my apple juice with strychnine, and sent my wife unsavory bathroom footage of myself tapping my foot in a unique way from within a bathroom stall. So long, Uncle Sam. Privet Stvovat, Uncle Stalin!

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